It didn’t hit me in a textbook or a late-night breakthrough—it hit me in a quiet moment, when a woman in the back of a packed seminar whispered to her friend, “I don’t even know why I keep pulling away—I want the closeness, but I can’t breathe when I get it.” That tension? That’s the core of what makes an avoidant attachment style in relationships so frustrating—and so invisible to the person living it.
I’ve spent over a decade untangling the emotional code behind how we connect, protect, and push people away. From field notes in Bangkok classrooms to closed-door conversations with psychologists, what I’ve learned is this: avoidant behavior doesn’t come from a lack of love.
It comes from a fear of what love might demand. Later in this piece, I’ll share a story about a man who built a life of independence so airtight, he couldn’t feel anything real inside it.
I’m Claire Delli Santi—relationship researcher, emotional investigator, and senior editor at Sons of Universe. Let’s unpack the real reason you shut down when things get close—and what you can do about it.
Craving context on how relationships actually work? You’ll want to read this sharp piece on the different types—and how to spot your own.
Top Takeaways
Before we go further, here are 5 unexpected truths about avoidant patterns you’ll carry with you long after reading:
- Where it really starts: It’s not about commitment issues—it’s about childhood silence turning into adult emotional self-sabotage.
- What avoidant love feels like: It’s not coldness—it’s a partner loving you from 10 feet away, hoping you don’t move closer.
- Why overthinking ruins it: Avoidant minds replay intimacy like a security breach—not a connection. Learn how to break that loop.
- What cracked him open: A note that said “I’m tired of hugging a ghost” shattered his perfect independence.
- How healing really begins: Change starts not with love—but with how you respond to fear in the smallest everyday interactions.
What’s an avoidant attachment style?
Attachment theory explains how our early experiences with primary caretakers shape our attachment styles in relationships—the emotional bonds we form with romantic partners in adulthood.
The avoidant attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment styles, along with the anxious and disorganized attachment styles.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid emotional closeness and intimacy with their romantic partners, making loving an avoidant partner feel a bit like trying to hug fog—present, yet untouchable.
Overview of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory suggests that our attachment style is formed during our early childhood experiences with our primary caretakers.
Bowlby argued that infants have an innate need to seek proximity to their caregivers when they feel threatened or distressed.
Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment identified three attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant.
Later, researchers added a fourth attachment style, fearful-avoidant, to the four-category model, a framework that also explains why many couples tumble into an anxious-avoidant trap of pursuit and withdrawal.
Where Does the Avoidant Attachment Style Come From?
Children with avoidant attachment style often have parents who are emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or intrusive.
These parents may discourage their children from expressing their emotions and needs, which may lead to the development of avoidant behavior.
Avoidant children learn that they cannot rely on their primary caretakers to meet their emotional needs, so they suppress their emotions and develop a sense of independence— a stance that later leaks into a husband-wife relationship when real vulnerability is on the line.
Relationship traits associated with avoidant attachment
Adults with avoidant attachment style often struggle with emotional closeness; learning to stop overthinking your relationship can be a surprisingly practical first step toward letting someone in.
They may avoid commitment, fear vulnerability, and prefer casual relationships.
Avoidant partners may withdraw emotionally or physically when their partner tries to get close to them.
They may also have strong boundaries and avoid sharing their emotional experiences—yet simply learning how ‘I’ statements work can open a safer lane for disclosure.
Avoidant behavior can negatively affect the quality of the relationship and lead to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.
According to a Psychological study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, avoidant individuals may have lower levels of emotional intelligence and mental health compared to secure individuals.
However, it is important to note that not all avoidant people have the same level of avoidant behavior, and some may develop healthy boundaries and desire for closeness in their relationships with secure partners.
The Challenges Facing People with an Avoidant Attachment Style in Romantic Relationships
People with an avoidant attachment style struggle with forming and maintaining emotional connections with their romantic partners.
This can lead to difficulties in relationships and cause emotional pain for both partners.
Inability to Connect Emotionally
Due to their fear of emotional closeness, avoidant individuals may struggle with expressing their feelings and connecting with their partners on an emotional level.
This can lead to a lack of intimacy and emotional distance in the relationship.
As an avoidant partner, you may find it challenging to express your emotions and may feel uncomfortable when your partner shares theirs; understanding what triggers anxious attachment can show you why your distance amplifies their anxiety.
This can lead to misunderstandings and a lack of emotional connection, which can cause your partner to feel neglected and unimportant.
Fear of Intimacy and Vulnerability
Avoidant individuals may also struggle with being vulnerable and opening up to their partners.
This fear of intimacy can lead to a lack of trust in the relationship and can cause your partner to feel rejected and unloved.
As an avoidant partner, you may feel uncomfortable with the idea of being vulnerable and may avoid sharing personal information with your partner; knowing how to deal with an avoidant partner can keep those fragile moments from spiraling into silence.
This can lead to your partner feeling like they don’t really know you and can cause them to feel like they are not important to you.
Difficulty Understanding Partner’s Needs and Expectations
Due to their focus on independence and self-sufficiency, avoidant individuals may struggle with understanding their partner’s needs and expectations in the relationship.
This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in the relationship.
As an avoidant partner, you may find it challenging to understand your partner’s emotional needs—and a skilled relationship coach can translate that emotional dialect so both of you feel heard.
This can cause your partner to feel like their needs are not being met and can lead to feelings of frustration and disappointment.
Overall, having an avoidant attachment style can make it challenging to form and maintain healthy and fulfilling romantic relationships.
By recognizing the challenges you face and working to overcome them, you can improve your relationships and develop a stronger sense of emotional connection with your partner.
Effects of an Avoidant Attachment on Partners in a Relationship
Feeling Unappreciated, Unimportant, and Ignored by their Partner
Having an avoidant partner can be challenging, especially if you have a secure or anxious attachment style.
Avoidant partners tend to prioritize their own needs and independence over their partner’s emotional experiences, leading to feelings of unappreciation, unimportance, and being ignored.
You may feel like your partner doesn’t care about your emotional needs or doesn’t value your contributions to the relationship.
This can lead to resentment, frustration, and a sense of loneliness, even when you’re in a committed relationship.
Struggling to Feel Secure in the Relationship
Another effect of an avoidant attachment style on partners is the struggle to feel secure in the relationship.
Avoidant partners tend to avoid emotional closeness and may withdraw or shut down when faced with difficult or stressful situations.
This can leave their partner feeling uncertain about the relationship’s future and questioning whether their partner truly cares about them.
You may find yourself constantly seeking reassurance or trying to prove your worth to your avoidant partner, which can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.
It’s important to recognize that your partner’s avoidant behavior is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person.
However, it’s also important to set healthy boundaries and communicate your needs to your partner.
Research suggests that 50 to 60 percent of people have a secure attachment style, so there’s a good chance of finding a romantic partner who can help you overcome your insecurities.
Source: helpguide.org
My Personal Take
The most powerful fix I’ve seen for avoidant attachment style in relationships? Practicing micro-vulnerability. Not grand confessions, not tearful breakdowns—just learning to say, “I missed you,” before the safe distance sets in.
One man I worked with—let’s call him M, because privacy matters—once told me he hadn’t cried in 22 years. Not when his dad died. Not when his marriage ended. His emotional world had been locked up so long, even joy had to knock. He’d built a sleek, untouchable life: two phones, no shared toothbrushes, business-class everything. But he’d never stayed in love longer than six months.
What cracked him open wasn’t therapy. It was a note from his girlfriend saying, “I’m tired of hugging a ghost.”
That was his turning point.
If you’re ready for yours, Relationship Hero is the fastest way I’ve seen people create real shifts—without the therapist price tag. Their expert coaches are warm, laser-focused, and tailored to you.
Take the quiz 
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Getting over an avoidant attachment style in a relationship
If you have an avoidant attachment style, it can be challenging to form and maintain healthy romantic relationships.
However, it is possible to overcome this pattern of behavior and develop a more secure attachment style.
Here are some tips to help you overcome your avoidant attachment style and build stronger emotional connections with your romantic partner:
1. Recognizing the Problematic Pattern of Behavior within Yourself
The first step in overcoming an avoidant attachment style is to recognize the problematic patterns of behavior within yourself.
This means acknowledging that you tend to avoid emotional closeness and intimacy with your romantic partner.
It also means recognizing that this pattern of behavior can be harmful to your relationship and your mental health.
Consider reflecting on your past relationships and identifying patterns of behavior that may have contributed to their failure.
Ask yourself if you tend to push your partner away when they get too close, or if you struggle to express your emotions and needs in a relationship.
2. Being Open and Honest About Your Feelings With Your Partner
Once you have recognized the problematic patterns of behavior within yourself, it is important to be open and honest about your feelings with your partner.
This means communicating your needs and desires in a clear and direct manner.
It can be challenging to open up and be vulnerable, especially if you have a history of avoiding emotional closeness.
However, being honest with your partner can help build trust and strengthen your emotional bond.
3. Making an Effort to Connect Emotionally with Your Partner
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may struggle to connect emotionally with your partner.
However, making an effort to connect emotionally can help strengthen your relationship and build a more secure attachment style.
Consider spending quality time with your partner and engaging in activities that promote emotional intimacy, such as sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other or engaging in physical touch.
4. Learning to Listen and Respect Your Partner’s Needs and Expectations
Finally, it is important to learn to listen and respect your partner’s needs and expectations.
This means being willing to compromise and make adjustments to your behavior to accommodate your partner’s needs.
It can be challenging to let go of your avoidant behavior and make changes to your attachment style.
However, with effort and practice, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style and build healthier, more fulfilling romantic relationships.
Conclusion
Understanding attachment theory is crucial to developing healthy relationships.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s research on attachment styles has shown that attachment patterns established in childhood can continue into adulthood and affect adult relationships.
People with avoidant attachment styles tend to struggle with emotional closeness and may avoid intimacy in romantic relationships.
It is important to recognize avoidant behavior in yourself or your partner and work towards developing a more secure attachment style.
This can involve seeking therapy, practicing emotional intelligence, and setting healthy boundaries.
Remember that attachment styles are not set in stone and can be changed with effort and self-awareness.
While it is important to strive for secure attachment, it is also important to recognize that not all relationships are meant to be long-term or intimate.
Casual relationships can be fulfilling for avoidant individuals, as long as both partners are on the same page and have clear communication about their expectations.
Overall, attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding human connection and patterns of behavior in relationships.
By recognizing your own attachment style and working towards a more secure attachment, you can improve your mental health and build stronger, healthier relationships.
Healing from Avoidant Attachment Style? Speak to a Therapist Now
Adults may benefit from attachment-based therapy to address their attachment style, understand their childhood experiences, and build healing connections with individuals they care about. Families with children may also be able to benefit from attachment-based therapy.
If you’re interested in this sort of treatment, try reaching out to a therapist specializing in attachment theory to learn more about your options and receive empathetic assistance.
Because of the lower cost, better convenience, and flexible scheduling methods, more people are turning to virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp to seek treatment for mental heal concerns. Via the site, you may make your own schedule and pick between phone, video, and live chat sessions.
In addition to the advantages of online counseling, you may find it to be more beneficial than in-person counselling. According to one study, 71% of participants favored internet-based therapy approaches over traditional ones, and some reported improved quality of life and symptom reduction.
The post Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships: 4 Expert-Backed Fixes for Why You Push Love Away Without Meaning To appeared first on Sons Of Universe.
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